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Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney


Write to Andy Rooney at Tribune Media Services,2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .


Maintaining cars and bodies
By Andy Rooney

MY CAR and my body are in about the same shape. Both have quite a few miles on them but they’re running well and I haven’t had any serious trouble with either. All that’s needed is some preventive maintenance.
I don’t know which is harder — taking my body to the doctor or my car to the garage. Both worry me. I’m always afraid they’ll find something I didn’t know about. The only advantage to taking my body to the doctor over taking my car to the garage is that the doctor never asks me to leave it overnight.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011 1:25 PM
 
Who says autumn? It's almost fall
By Andy Rooney

SUMMER DIES hard.
We try to keep it alive for just a little longer. Even though we’re back at work and back at school, we try to hang on to a little of summer.
We keep doing a few of the things we did on vacation, just as though it wasn’t really over. We do summer things on weekends.
We continue swimming, playing outdoor games, wearing summer clothes.
We wash the car and water the lawn, but it isn’t the same.
The end is in sight.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011 1:52 PM | Updated ( Tuesday, September 06, 2011 1:56 PM )
 
We need a universal language
By Andy Rooney

SOMETIMES IT’S hard to decide what to think and write about. What I do is turn to the first thing that occurs to me.
For instance, I might be able to make something out of the difference between the words “some time” and “sometime” and even “sometimes.” I’m not sure, but I think the word “sometimes” would come closer to being slang than regular usage. American grammar and word usage puzzles me “sometimes,” and I can imagine if I was born in China or Japan, where there are so many more characters in their languages, how difficult that would be to master.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 11:02 AM
 
My summer vacation on the lake
By Andy Rooney

I SOMETIMES think vacations are harder to take than going to work. When you go to work, you know what you have to do, but you go on vacation to have fun and take a break from your everyday life. Good times are more apt to come unexpectedly rather than by design.
I explain this to you because I’ve just come back from my annual vacation in upstate New York. I felt a little guilty going away this year because our country is in such a sorry state. Then, I thought, it will be good for the local economy to spend money enjoying myself.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011 12:58 PM | Updated ( Tuesday, August 23, 2011 1:34 PM )
 
Traveling? Include me out
By Andy Rooney

I LOVE to look at the travel section of the Sunday newspaper because all the ads for faraway places remind me of how much I like to stay home. There are so many places in the world I don’t want to go that I can hardly wait for the day when I retire so I can sit home and enjoy the money I’ve saved.
Just for fun, I made a list of places I don’t want to go:
A Caribbean or a South Pacific island where beautiful women lie around on white beaches in

Tuesday, August 16, 2011 1:37 PM
 
Remembering cars of yesteryear
By Andy Rooney

THE AUTOMOBILE industry always makes changes in its new models, but it isn’t until 10 years later that you realize cars have gradually become different. The tail fins of the 1960s didn’t disappear overnight.
I can’t remember how many cars I’ve owned. A lot. My memory of cars goes back to the ’30s before I was in high school. I don’t believe the first car my parents owned had a heater because there was a bar across the back of the front seat with a blanket on it for people sitting in back.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011 1:41 PM
 
We all need to have some down time
By Andy Rooney

EVERYTHING’S crowding in on me. Please step back and give the man some air. It isn’t just too many people; it’s too many things to do, too many possessions, too much equipment designed to make life easier, too many wires leading to too many electric appliances, too many relationships to maintain.
There are too many events, too many movies and too much television. There are too many books to read. The newspaper keeps coming. There’s no time to sit down and stare out the window

Tuesday, August 02, 2011 10:35 AM
 
Why do we take pride in ignorance?
By Andy Rooney

CONSIDERING HOW much we profess to admire education, it’s funny how often we take pride in our ignorance.
A psychiatrist might have the answer to that problem, except psychiatrists are as proud of not knowing something as the rest of us.
Years ago, I was skiing with a man I’d met just a few days earlier in the lodge. All I knew about him was that he was a doctor. I took a bad, head-over-heels-skis-and-all fall and dislocated my

Tuesday, July 26, 2011 10:33 AM
 
A doctor a day keeps apples away
By Andy Rooney

I THINK I’ll be OK, although I’ve sure been going to see a lot of doctors lately.
A few weeks ago, I went to see my all-purpose doctor. He’s the one whose name I fill in if the form asks for the name of my “physician” or “family doctor.” The fact that no one else in my family goes to him has no bearing on that.
Even though I know a lot of people die the day after their doctor says they’re in good health, I’m always encouraged when my doctor says I’m doing fine. He lies a little to me, but I like that in a

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 10:50 AM
 
Picture this
By Andy Rooney

EVERY ONCE in a while, a newspaper or another publication of some kind will ask me for a picture of myself. I can never find one I want to send them.
Why don’t pictures of us ever look the way we think of ourselves as looking? Occasionally, someone will take a picture of me that’s flattering, but even that doesn’t look the way I think I look when I leave the mirror in the morning after shaving and combing my hair.
Just about every picture I’ve ever had taken of myself looks the way I look for about one instant

Tuesday, July 12, 2011 11:03 AM
 
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