Take my opinion to the banks

Over the years, several friends and acquaintances of mine have advised me that since I am such a singularly great writer of outdoor tales, I should start writing articles for all the big-name outdoor magazines.
Well, first of all, I don’t read those magazines. Years ago, I discovered half of what was published in those magazines was nothing but a bunch of horse hockey, stuff no one needs to know to fully enjoy adventures outdoors.
That said, since my misguided friends tell me “Yer an expurt on everything about the outdoors, and yer writing is pur-dee poetry,” I thought maybe I should tackle magazines.
Then again, as I sat down and started thinking about all the outdoor things I’m an expert at, I couldn’t come up with one single technical skill I’m much of an expert on at all. Being a man of honesty and strong moral fiber, I could not pretend to be such an expert.
When it comes to outdoor gear, don’t ask me anything about operating or maintaining outboard motors — I’ve never owned one.
My idea of a depth finder is rowing to the edge of a hotspot bar to fish, after which I drop my anchor to confirm I’m in the right spot. If the anchor doesn’t touch the bottom, I row one way or the other while triangulating on three landmark trees before test-dropping my anchor again. If it still doesn’t touch the bottom, I suddenly remember that Old Faithful Bay on the other side of the lake, which is only six feet deep anywhere in the weed-covered bay, is most certainly going to be the hotter of the hotspots to fish that day.
As far as tying fishing knots go, I tie only one knot. It’s a matter of pushing line through a hook or leader hole, then wrapping the end of the line around itself maybe six times before clinching it by drawing it through a loop I left in it. Works for at least a dozen casts or so before it lets go, thereby sending a favorite bucktail flying unfettered about 100 yards away.
The only thing I can think of that is outdoors related that I am an expert at is simply enjoying everything there is about the outdoors, be it lakes, creeks, hills, trees, fish or wild critters and all other such things. A suggestion or two of how to enjoy all those things?
Take some young kids with you for a day of exploring the outdoors. If you don’t happen to own any kids of your own, beg, borrow or steal some from your neighbors, or maybe from your local orphanage.
Once you’ve gotten your hands on a kid or two, say eight years old or so, dig up enough worms to fill an emptied baked beans can, add to it an old spincast outfit you have hanging in your garage, and head for the nearest lake where the kid — or kids — can take turns landing about
2,000 six-inch bluegills in an afternoon filled with fishing, laughing and piercing shrieks of joy.
Another great way to enjoy the outdoors is to take a dog, a real dog, not one of those runty little yipper-yappers some people call dogs, but a good big dog like a Lab, golden retriever or springer spaniel, and get out into the woods where you can watch them run, run, run and sniff a million good sniffs of everything they happen upon in the woods.
Watch that dog chase red squirrels and chipmunks, scare up a duck or two along the shore of a quiet, back-in-the-woods lake, or watch it get into a Mexican standoff with a painted turtle aggravated when said dog interrupts its nap on a sun-drenched lakeshore log.
Another way to enjoy the outdoors? Take an armload or two of dry maple and oak, build a nice-sized campfire and sit within the glow of that fire on a dark summer night looking up at millions of stars brightly shining in the sky.
In the fall, cradle a favorite scattergun in your arms while thrashing through favored ruffed grouse coverts. Try to concentrate on getting that scattergun up on a flushing grouse when all the while you fight to keep your mind on the birds instead of a maple tree full of brilliant red leaves or a balsam fir that would make a perfect Christmas tree.
Sit on a deer stand on a November morning watching squirrels chase each other round and round a huge oak, listening to chickadees chick-a-dee-dee, or hearing a soft breeze rattle dried, bronzed oak leaves, all the while with ears keenly listening for a deer coming your way.
Go duck hunting, or just duck watching come spring, summer or fall. Admire the unmatched beauty of a drake wood duck’s plumage, listen to mallards quack or geese honk, and maybe watch a muskrat share the birds’ territory.
Then, if you want a few good laughs after enjoying any or all of those outdoor pursuits, pick up a half-dozen outdoor magazines loaded with all the technical information you supposedly need to be successful and happy in the outdoors; then use the pages of those magazines to light an evening campfire in your backyard.
All the things I’ve put on paper here are all you need to know about getting the most and enjoying the best of the outdoors. You can take my expert opinion on this to the bank.